A torn sock was touching my leg as my baby slept nestled against my chest. Billy had brought his socks to be mended by my bedside because I « wasn’t doing anything. » Just then, his mother came in, asked him to repeat what he’d just said, and rummaged through his purse. What she found prompted him to whisper, « Mom, you’d better not. »
A rolled-up sock brushed against my leg.
I lowered my eyes.
There were more socks in the shopping bag that Billy had placed on my hospital bed. Underneath were two work shirts and my sewing kit.
A rolled-up sock brushed against my leg.
I had asked him to bring my phone charger.
« What is this? » I asked.
« Things that had accumulated. »
He took out a sock and held out the heel to me.
« You see? They’re still in good condition. They just need mending. »
He took out a sock.
I stared at him.
« Billy, I gave birth yesterday. »
« So what? » He looked genuinely perplexed. « Anyway, you’re just lying there doing nothing. Sew them on. »
Our daughter was sleeping nestled against my chest.
I had spent eighteen hours in labor, I had needed stitches afterwards, and I hadn’t slept more than twenty minutes at a time since.
« Anyway, you’re just lying there doing nothing. Sew them on. »
Even sitting hurt.
« I’m not going to sew your socks back together. »
« I’m not asking you to scrub the bathroom, » Billy said, laughing. « You can sew sitting down. »
I looked at the small needle case placed next to my daughter’s bib.
« You can sew sitting down. »
For years, I had done the laundry, prepared his packed lunches, remembered his mother’s birthday, and made sure his work shirts were clean.
Every time I asked him to help me, he promised to do it.
In general, I ended up doing it myself.
But I never imagined he would bring this job to my hospital bed.
I ended up doing it myself.
***
The door opened.
My mother-in-law, Ann, came in with flowers and a small pink gift bag.
« Oh, but here’s my beautiful granddaughter! »
She stopped.
My mother-in-law, Ann, came in.
His gaze shifted from the socks to the sewing kit.
Then on to Billy.
« Why is it on his bed? »
Billy shrugged.
« She has nothing else to do here, so I brought her a few things to mend. »
Ann placed the flowers on the windowsill.
« Tell me that again. »
« I brought him a few things to mend. »
« Mom, it’s just sewing. »
« Say again what you just said. »
He looked up at the sky.
« Anyway, she’s lying there. She can sew a few socks. »
Ann stood for a moment near the bed.
Then she took the sewing kit that was lying on my blanket and put it back in the bag.
« Mom, it’s just for mending. »
She rummaged through her handbag.
She took out a small piece of folded paper.
Billy stopped as he reached for the shopping bag. He stared at the crease in the paper.
» Mom. »
Ann unfolded it.
« Put that away, » Billy ordered.
He fixed the fold in the paper.
She didn’t do it.
« Mom, you’d better not. »
« Yes, I will, » she replied. « You’ve crossed all the lines. Now you’re going to pay for your behavior. »
I watched them both in turn.
« What is this? »
« Now you’re going to pay for your behavior. »
Ann handed me the paper.
« It’s something Billy wrote when he was seventeen. I kept it in my wallet for years. Every time I changed purses, I’d transfer it with the stuff I couldn’t bring myself to throw away. »
« I kept it in my wallet for years. »
He took a step towards her.
« That was years ago. »
Ann approached my bed.
« So you should have learned your lesson by now. »
She pointed to the shopping bag.
« Take these clothes home. And if you need them mended, you’ll do it yourself. »
« So you should have learned your lesson by now. »
I took the paper.
The handwriting was undeniably Billy’s, even if the letters were larger and less neat.
Mom, I know you’re not lazy. I was angry because I had to do everything myself. I’m sorry I made you feel bad because you were sick. I’ll do better in the future.
I read it twice.
« Billy? »
I read it twice.
He looked away.
Ann pulled the chair next to my bed.
« When I had my surgery, Billy was seventeen. I couldn’t lift anything heavy for several weeks. One afternoon, he came home and found the laundry still waiting. »
« I couldn’t lift much for several weeks. »
She looked at her son.
« Do you remember what you said? »
Billy did not respond.
« He told me I was just lying there doing nothing. »
I took a look at the socks.
« He told me I was just lying there doing nothing. »
Ann continued.
« He was angry because he no longer had any clean clothes. Later, we talked, and he wrote this note. »
« I was just a kid, » Billy mumbled.
« Yes, » said Ann. « You were seventeen. And now, what excuse do you have? »
He stared at the ground.
« I didn’t mean to say it like that, Mom. »
« I was just a kid. »
« You brought dirty clothes to your wife’s bedside in the hospital. »
« I thought she would be bored. »
I watched it.
« Bored? »
Our daughter became agitated against me.
I moved it carefully, trying not to pull on my stitches.
« I thought she would be bored. »
Ann looked at the note I had in my hand.
« I kept it because I thought you really meant it, » she told him. « I think you did, for a while. »
Billy rubbed the back of his neck.
« You don’t need to bring up everything I did when I was a teenager. »
« No. But I also have something to confess. »
« I think you thought so, for a while. »
He looked at her.
« After you apologized, I went back to doing everything the way I used to. You helped me for a few weeks, then I gave up. »
» Mom… »
« I made it easy for you so you would forget. »
I folded the word.
« I made it easy for you so you would forget. »
Ann turned towards me.
« Kate, do you want me to take these things off your bed? »
« Yes, please. »
She took the shopping bag and handed it to Billy.
He took it reluctantly.
She took the shopping bag and handed it to Billy.
Then she asked me, « Have you eaten? »
« Not since breakfast. »
« Do you want me to ask when your next meal is coming? »
« That would be nice. »
She nodded.
« And your charger? »
« Have you eaten? »
I looked at Billy.
« I asked him to bring it. »
Billy blinked.
« Ah. I’d forgotten. »
Ann stood up.
« Then you can go and get it. »
« Mom, I just got here. »
« Ah, I’d forgotten. »
« And Kate has been here since yesterday. »
He looked at me, waiting for me to tell him he could bring it later.
I didn’t do it.
He left with the bag.
When the door closed, Ann sat back down.
« I’m sorry, » she said.
He left with the bag.
« You didn’t bring the socks. »
« No. But I knew he could be like that. »
I looked at the folded word.
« You thought he had changed? »
« I would have liked to. »
« You thought he had changed? »
Our daughter started to look for her breast against my t-shirt.
Ann stood up immediately.
« I’m going to give you some privacy. »
« You can stay. »
« Are you sure? »
» Yes. »
« You can stay. »
She helped me put my water bottle within reach while I was settling the baby down to feed him.
Then she said, « You don’t need to make a decision today. »
I watched it.
I was already thinking about home.
To the laundry basket that was waiting for me in our room.
The dishes that Billy always promised to do after dinner.
« You don’t need to make a decision today. »
The shopping list on the fridge, which I had written and for which I usually did the shopping.
And what about the baby we had just welcomed into all of this?
***
Billy came back forty minutes later with my charger.
He also brought a sandwich.
Billy came back forty minutes later with my charger.
« I didn’t know if you would want one, » he said.
I took it.
» THANKS. »
He sat down in the chair that Ann had just left.
« Kate, I’m sorry. »
I waited.
« I didn’t know you’d take it like that. »
« Kate, I’m sorry. »
I put down the sandwich.
« You brought your dirty socks to my hospital bed. »
Silence.
« She nursed non-stop all morning. I didn’t sleep a wink. And yet, you looked at me as if I had time to waste. »
He glanced at our daughter.
« I didn’t think about it. »
« She nursed all morning. »
He reached out his hand towards mine.
I moved it to support the baby’s head.
« I’m not going home to do a second service, Billy. »
« What does that mean? »
« That means I won’t be able to recover from childbirth while also taking care of the house for you. »
« Of course not. »
« I’m not going home to do another shift, Billy. »
« Then you’ll have to manage on your own without asking me to explain each step. »
« I can do it. »
I wanted to believe him.
But I had heard those words before.
***
The following afternoon, the hospital allowed us to go home.
I wanted to believe him.
Ann suggested staying for a few days.
« Only if you want me to stay, » she said.
I said yes.
Billy had gone ahead to prepare the house.
When we arrived, the living room was pretty much as I had left it.
I said yes.
A laundry basket was placed next to the sofa.
There were dishes in the sink.
In the fridge, there were three half-empty containers and a bottle of milk.
Billy carried the baby’s bag inside.
« I was going to do some cleaning, » he said.
There were dishes in the sink.
I was standing by the kitchen door, our daughter in my arms.
» When ? »
« After picking you up. »
Ann put my travel bag on the floor.
Billy looked at the laundry basket.
« I had quite a few things to do. »
« After picking you up. »
I almost told him where the laundry detergent was.
Then I remembered the socks on my hospital blanket.
I sat down cautiously on the sofa.
« Please put away the laundry and make sure there is enough food for dinner. »
Billy stared at me.
» Right away ? »
» Yes. »
I almost told him where the laundry detergent was.
He glanced at Ann.
She was unpacking the flowers.
She did not head towards the kitchen.
Billy took the basket.
For an hour, I heard drawers opening, cupboard doors closing, and the washing machine starting.
She did not head towards the kitchen.
Then he came back.
« Where do you keep the laundry detergent? »
I watched it.
« In the laundry room. »
« I’ve already looked. »
« So, look again. »
He just stood there.
« So, look again. »
I could see that he was waiting for me to get up.
Ann continued arranging the flowers.
Finally, he left again.
But the laundry was still not put away.
The kitchen still needed cleaning.
I could see that he was waiting for me to get up.
And I knew what was going to happen when Ann got home.
Billy would go back to work.
I would be at home with the baby.
Everything he hadn’t done would gradually become my responsibility again.
Billy would go back to work.
***
After dinner, I asked him to sit with me.
Ann took our daughter into the next room, staying close enough that I could call her if she needed to be fed.
Billy slumped down onto the chair opposite me.
« What’s wrong now? »
I watched it.
« I need some time. »
« What’s wrong now? »
« Time for what? »
« To recover without having to argue about every little thing. »
He frowned.
« Are you asking me to leave? »
« Temporarily. »
He settled back into his armchair.
« Are you kicking me out because of my socks? »
« Are you asking me to leave? »
« No. I’m asking you to leave because you still think it’s because of socks. »
He looked towards the door.
» Mom ? »
Ann didn’t come.
« This is our home, » he said.
Ann didn’t come.
« I know. I’m asking if you’d be willing to go somewhere else for a little while. I need time to recover and think. »
He rubbed his hands together.
« Where am I supposed to go? »
« It’s up to you to find a solution. »
« I need time to recover and reflect. »
He looked genuinely surprised.
Usually, that’s where I would start suggesting hotels to him, checking prices and making the reservation for him.
But I didn’t do it.
He got up and walked towards the window.
Then he asked, « And our daughter? »
He looked genuinely surprised.
« You’re still her father. We’ll organize visits around her feedings and the doctor’s recommendations. I want you to be involved. »
He turned around.
« You give the impression that we’re breaking up. »
« That’s the case, for now. »
« You are still her father. »
Billy glanced towards the kitchen.
Then towards the laundry basket he had left near the hallway.
« I’ll find a place not far away, » he finally said.
I nodded.
He packed a bag that evening.
Ann stayed.
He packed a bag that evening.
The next morning, she prepared breakfast while I fed our daughter.
She asked me if I wanted some toast.
I said yes.
She didn’t ask me which I preferred.
For the first time in days, I ate while it was still hot.
A week later, Billy called.
I ate while it was still hot.
He had rented a small apartment fifteen minutes away.
He brought groceries and diapers at the agreed times and helped me with the baby when he came over.
But that morning, he seemed annoyed.
« Mom won’t help me with my laundry. »
He looked annoyed.
I stared at the phone.
« Your laundry detergent? »
« She says I have to do it myself. »
I could hear the washing machine running in the background.
« Well, » I said, « she’s right. »
« Kate, I work all day. I don’t have time to do everything. »
« She says I have to do it myself. »
I looked at our daughter who was sleeping next to me in her crib.
There was a pile of clean baby clothes waiting to be folded.
A cup of tea was sitting, untouched, on the table.
« Me neither, » I said.
Billy did not respond.
I looked at our daughter who was sleeping next to me in her crib.
Then he asked, « When can we talk about my return home? »
I watched our daughter reach a little hand above her head.
« When I’m ready. »
I hung up.
For a moment, I looked at the laundry.
Then I took my cup of tea.
« When can we talk about my return home? »
It was still warm enough to drink.
***
Six weeks later, Billy asked to talk.
Ann stayed nearby with our daughter.
« I thought that by making money, I’d done my part, » Billy said. « I left you everything else. »
I waited.
« I left you everything else. »
« I was wrong. »
« And what will happen when I’m exhausted again? » I asked.
« I will take care of things without waiting for instructions. »
« And if I don’t forgive you? »
He looked at the baby.
« I still have to change. I’m his father. »
« I was wrong. »
« I’m not ready for you to come back and live here, » I said.
» All right. »
He did not protest.
Over the following weeks, Billy continued to come and see us, he did the shopping without asking for a list and washed our daughter’s clothes when he was there.
He made mistakes.
He did not protest.
But he stopped expecting me to correct them.
One Saturday, he arrived with a bag of groceries.
I noticed it immediately.
He took out diapers, wipes, clean clothes, and our daughter’s favorite blanket.
He stopped expecting me to correct them.
Then he checked a list on his phone.
« I forgot my spare shirt, » he muttered.
I almost told him where to find one.
But instead, he said, « He’s in my car. I’ll go get him. »
« I forgot my spare shirt. »
He came back, changed our daughter and sat down next to her while she wriggled happily on her playmat.
Ann watched the scene from the kitchen.
She didn’t give any advice.
Me neither.
She didn’t give any advice.
Later, after Billy left, I noticed my sewing kit on the shelf.
The lid was closed.
Next to it was a small vest with one button unstitched.
I had been planning to sew it back up since the beginning of the week.
I noticed my sewing kit on the shelf.
I took it and examined the button.
Then our daughter became restless in her crib.
She would soon want to nurse.
I put down the vest.
I took it and examined the button.
In the kitchen, I prepared some tea and brought it near the window.
The vest could wait.
My daughter was asleep, and I had a few minutes to sit down.
I drank my tea while it was still hot.
The vest could wait.